4th mom

Why and how the conversation at the office needs to change

When I returned from 3-months of maternity leave earlier this year, one of my colleagues referred to this time as my “vacation.”

On the one hand, I get this impression. 

The first time I had a baby — nearly a decade ago — I also thought my 12-week “break” would be spent disconnecting from work stress, reading novels, and getting to know my giggling little one.

Christ, I was wrong.

Only one piece was partly right: I did disconnect from reality as I had known it. 

I’ve gone on maternity leaves four times now. The experience is really rewarding, confusing, and draining. Here are two reasons why:

Sleep deprivation. Babies are often born nocturnal. Before birth, they were most active when I was still, which for my kids it meant between 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. For months the lead caregiver will likely sleep in little bits.

Finding sleep consistency is an elusive goal for new parents. Regardless of what you do, episodic teething pain or sleep regressions will happen in the first year.

A national study found roughly ⅓ of moms still face problems from sleep loss when their babies are over 6 months.

Mind f*cks. It is special snuggling with your baby. But holding a baby for hours day after day isn’t too different from holding up a glass of water, indefinitely. It requires some attention, makes it hard to do other tasks, and gets monotonous quickly.

On top of this, you’re exhausted and your mind is running wild. Up to 4 in 5 new moms get the baby blues— which is another way of saying you’re an emotional wreck.

And the baby doesn’t provide much reassurance. Newborns don’t really smile or giggle – but they are good a crying, a lot.

This lack of positive feedback makes the first months relatively thankless.

What’s NSFW here?

This entire conversation.

No one wants to hear complaining or TMI. And returning employees don’t want to risk being seen as unreliable or distracted. So polite workplace conversation centers on how cute the baby is (& they are damn adorable).

Why is this a problem?

Companies confuse leave with vacation.

When I took maternity leave with my daughter (in 2015), my company at the time billed me for taking 12 weeks without salary — while on leave, I was required to mail in checks for my health insurance coverage.

I quickly understood why another woman in our department took only 8 weeks of leave.

A “charge employees for the privilege” policy makes sense if the corporation views maternity leave as an unnecessary sabbatical. Never mind whether it also creates churn and terrible references.

Leadership writes new moms off.

In the months after I announced my first pregnancy, my manager at the time asked me which part of my responsibilities I wanted to hand off. This was to protect the team and ensure they had a backup in case.

Having responsibility stripped felt and looked terrible. I felt that asking for a 12-week leave hurt my reputation with leadership. 

Managers are ill-equipped.

Misunderstanding the maternity leave experience — or not having guidelines or team backfill — justifies expecting a returning employee to grind at 110%.

For example, after my 2nd child, I was scheduled to give a conference presentation within two weeks of my return. It meant that I had to research and start building the deck on my 12-week leave to hit the deadlines. 

Employees risk burn-out or checking-out.

New parents are in no position to disagree with their circumstances. Speaking up risks signaling to company leadership that they’re not committed to their career or a malcontent. Either of these could lead to lost bonuses and promotions.

These workplace and money pressures are a recipe for burnout, work errors, or an unsustainable lack of balance at home.

Alternatively, the new parent may mentally check out of the office, killing team morale and productivity.

What should team leaders do? 

Be considerate to build loyalty.

Do not pressure new parents to work while on leave so they can focus on recovering and adjusting to their circumstances.

Also, have realistic expectations when they return. If they had a short leave, they’re probably not going to be well-rested. 

Balancing this respect with conversations about their career will signal that you’re focused on their longer-term growth at the company.

Giving this reassurance is so important. Career-driven women will likely be self-conscious about the potential impact of their leave —  don’t leave them guessing. 

Highlight leave benefits in recruiting.

Companies with a reputation for thoughtful caregiver leave policies can differentiate their recruiting and attract a wider set of top candidates. 

Hiring managers should feature company parental leave policies in job postings or on career pages. If you don’t, experienced parents will assume that yours are embarrassing.

Make parental resources and buddy programs available.

GitLab has a model worth watching. The company gives guidelines to help managers understand best-practice behavior.

New parents are offered a 3-month ‘4th-trimester’ coaching program to help their transition back to the office.

They also have a new parent re-entry buddy, where a current employee meets weekly to help smooth the transition back. This includes things like taking time to explain department changes.

If we discussed maternity leave experiences more, companies and teams could be better equipped to help employees navigate these transitions and confidently return to work. 

Share your maternity leave experiences in a 10-minute survey here.